As Lonely As Me.

No One Cares About Crazy People

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“who would love someone as passionate, as whimsical, as creative as me?

who would love someone as caring, as obsessive, as ugly as me?

as someone wanting to be

free

free from insanity

No One Would Love Someone Who Was As Crazy

As Me.”

Mariam Abdulle, My Content Diary

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I Was Ready

TRIGGER WARNING

So here I am. Not dead, alive, and breathing. Alive, but in an odd place. A mental hospital. What brought me here?

I filled the tub with lukewarm water. I played music. It was a mix between meditation music and some hip hop and rap. Whatever was on my playlist to be honest. I went upstairs to get something sharp. As college students, we didn’t have a knife set, but for some odd reason we were in possession of a tool box I grabbed the box cutter. This would suffice. I wrote a suicide note. As a perfectionist who is innately horrible at everything, a terrible combination, I wasn’t satisfied with my suicide note. I also unhealthily imagined how people would find me. I was terrified that I would traumatize my roommates. I did not want to be found naked, so I put on a sports bra and spandex. I slipped into the soothing water with the music faintly playing in the background. I glanced at the box cutter. I glanced at my bare forearms. I was ready.

Courage

Sometimes it is beneficial to admit to cowardice. As humans, we are innately imperfect. My generation grew up watching Hannah Montana, and I think she said it best, “Nobody’s perfect.” I am frightened that I do not know what objectives I want to accomplish in a post-undergraduate world. I question my abilities because I am idealistic in what I want to accomplish, but life has a way of guiding us on a path we did not plan. However, one thing I strive for during my time in college is to appreciate learning. By taking my medication and being aware of my health, I will continue to be diligent in my studies. My one year of undergraduate study and my previous awareness of current events have taught me that many people do not have the opportunity to engage in academics because of reasons beyond their control. I take what I have for granted, but it is for my own benefit to use what life has offered me to be brave. For me personally, one thing I can control is to learn from my cowardice in hopes to achieve the ability to do something that frightens me. This is what distinguishes me from many of my peers. I find humility in the things I lack, and determination in what I can learn.